It has been a minute since I've been up on here. I've moved to a whole new city/state and everything. I remember when Xanga used to be the spot and I could always read some interesting personal thoughts here, as well as share my own. I figured I'd get back on here as a way to chart my progress as I seek peace and clarity in my life. I've recently felt like people live to much of their lives out on the internet, but I think this public processing of my journey will create some accountability within myself. I also hope that in some way my struggles and lessons learned can be of some benefit to others. I whole-heartedly believe in sharing your experiences and stories with others. You never know when you could be the person to say the right thing to the right person. This journaling is going to be hard. First, my commitment to writing comes and goes like the ocean's tide. Second, this process will force me to be honest with myself and others about things that I don't like, don't understand, have fears about, and wish were different. I also know that some things I say may not be to the liking of others and given this is a very public forum there may be some backlash from this. However, I trust that in the end it will all be to the benefit of myself and will ultimately improve the things I have to offer the world.

Now, on to 40 days and 40 nights. There is a good amount of symbolism to 40 days and 40 nights. I won't go into much of it because I feel like it's only relevant as it regards the length of time I have committed to this plan. The ultimate goal of it all is that I will have more self-control at the end of it all. For about the past 3 years I've felt that my life has not gone in the direction that I would like it to. While I have achieved relative success as it regards my academic and professional lives, my personal well-being has suffered tremendously. Much of this suffering has been kept from public view. However, anyone who has paid close attention will have noticed bits and pieces emerging. I've been angry and irritable more than ever before. I've had some health issues that I believe could have been avoided. I've drank a good bit at times and I've smoked more than I care to admit. Sometimes I drive like a maniac because it's a good way to relieve some stress. Dangerous, but helpful. At leat at that time. This list goes on and on. I will at some point attempt to dissect and analyze these events and many more, but not today. This post is just to say I have a lot of things to work on in my life. This is just a beginning. Will this be a perfect process?? Absolutely not. But I'm going to be as good as I can possibly be. Tomorrow I will talk about my smoking. I think it's a perfect place to begin. It'll probably be a private post, but I'll get some things out. Until then...  

So, I had an epiphany yesterday on the way home from school that my not so great experience down here in NC has been my fault. Yeah the school sucks and yeah people are crazy, but it's not much different from my previous experiences as a Black man here in America. So the question then becomes what's different now than it was before? As I thought about it I realized that it was my drive and determination to get things done the way that I see fit to do them. Somewhere along the way I lost my self. I lost a little confidence in myself, I became lazy, and I just stop caring. I didn't push myself the way I used. Yesterday I called myself a "grad school dummy" and I'll stand by that. I think I've allowed my intellect to dull a little since last August. In some ways I think I let my anger turn into apathy as opposed to the action it is usually converted into.

I decided that yesterday would be the end of that.I have to get myself together not only for myself, but also for my people. Recent events have reminded me that we have a long way to go as Black people and the majority of White folks are not trying to help us get to where we need to be. A lot of people that know me would probably tell you that I'm not the most fond of White people. I usually just laugh at them when they make this assumption but I would like to take this time to debunk that assumption. I don't like the White power structure that is the United States of America nor do I like the people that perpetuate that cycle of oppression. So, yes in my opinion a lot of White people knowingly or unknowingly continue to play into this ideology which causes me a lot of grief as a Black man and so no I'm not always fond of some White people. However, let it also be known that there are a lot of Black folks (and other races) out there playing up there same foolishness as their White counterparts and thus I have just as much disdain for them as any other people. I am an equal opportunity disliker (yes I made this word up). Anyone who bars my progress to freedom is the enemy in my eyes and as B.I.G. said "Got no love for the other side, fuck them tricks."

With all that being said here are some things I have decided I will to to get myself back together:

1. I will stop using the word nigger, nigga, or any other derivative.

2. I will finish this school year out strong.

3. I will read more books outside of the classroom to increase my personal knowledge.

4. I will speak up against injustice and not just say that it's not worth it.

5. I will pick my battles wisely. (I heard a quote somewhere that says something to the effect of never arguing with a fool because from far away no one can tell who's who).

6. I will teach and learn from the young.

7. I will learn from and teach the old.